Post by landguardian on Aug 18, 2007 22:13:23 GMT -5
Ok, so well I'm kind of in the middle of a novel that I'm looking to finish sometime in the near future hopefully, otherwise one of my friend's will probably hitchhike through 2 different states since she doesn't have a driver's license yet to come and find me and make me finish it.
Anyways, seriously, I am looking for some people's ideas on some of my excerpts that I'll post here. If you want to tell me it sucks, that's fine but at least do me the decency and give me something to work on so it isn't so bad.
I'll probably be posting parts from two different stories, one is done and I have to edit it (working title Trip's Adventure or A Knight's Tale) and the other is the one I still have to finish (no title). I'll post where the except is from and a summary of what had happened before so it makes sense. Basically I need help for people to read it and give me feedback to make it better.
Last note before I actually post something, please don't copy anything I mean come on, I've worked really hard on this and its protected under intellectual property copyright. I'm not saying I don't trust anyone, its just I have to post that so someone doesn't take it before I have the chance to see what I can do with it in the actual world of publishing (that's still tentative, but yeah, we'll see)
Anyways, if you've read even some of that, my first excerpt I'm posting is from the beginning of my work in progress. Basically, Kia and Andrew are two ninjas coming to meet their long time friends, Prince Christopher, Prince Aaron, Lady Caitlyn, and the mage Rachel. This scene is basically what kicks off the entire story where Kia and Andrew are captured by their 'friends' because they are being accused of treason. This is the scene of their capture. From there, Andrew is released to return to the ninja academy but Kia is forced to run as a fugitive to figure out who is manipulating the king.
Beginning of excerpt
“Wake up! CHRISTOPHER AND AARON FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME, GET OUT OF BED!” Queen Deborah said loudly to her children, “Come on. You don’t want to be late for the weapon ceremony do you? Caitlyn asked if you could go with her and your father said yes.”
“Really? That’s awesome. Aaron get up! Father said we could be in the ceremony and not just watch. Hey, when did Caitlyn ask you? She didn’t ask yesterday or else she would have told us,” Christopher said excitedly from under his covers.
“She got up at seven ‘o ‘clock, the time you were supposed to,” replied their mother.
“What time is it then?” Christopher inquired, still under his bed covers.
“Eight thirty-five. You better get dressed. Do you want me to get a maid to help dress you?” his mother answered.
“Eight thirty-nine! The ceremony starts in twenty-five minutes, at nine ‘o ‘clock!” Christopher shouted, hopping out of bed where he started to dress himself, “No, I don’t need a maid to help me. I’m old enough to dress myself, can you help me button up this and where is my sword? Oh thanks mom.”
“You’re welcome. Now hold still while I button this up,” his mother said laughing at the way Christopher fidgeted to get out to the ceremony, “Aaron get up. You barely have time as it is to get ready.”
“What ceremony?” Aaron mumbled then became mostly alert when his brother landed on him.
“Why, your wedding ceremony of course!” Christopher cried while trying to wrestle Aaron out of bed. For someone being very sleepy he was putting up a good fight.
“What! I’m too young to get married!!! Help me run away Christopher!!!” Aaron said while trying to push Christopher off of him.
“I was just teasing you, my crazy brother! It’s the weapon ceremony that’s being held by Master Takati! Get out of bed we got to go!” Christopher cried freverently trying to pull Aaron out from underneath his bed covers where he was now hiding from the light of day and his ‘wedding ceremony.’
Aaron came out from under his covers and said remorsely, “What about it? Father said he just wished us to watch it. He doesn’t want there to be a chance I get picked.”
“Mother said that Father is going to let us, because Caitlyn is being allowed to and she asked if we could come with her. Now GET UP! We only have twenty minutes to get you dressed and get down to the grounds! Oofffff!” Christopher said. The ‘ooffff’ was caused by Christopher finally succeeding in getting Aaron out of bed but then having him land on top of himself in the process.
“What are we waiting for then? Let’s go!” Aaron cried who then got off of Christopher but dropped his comforter, sheets, and pillows which had gotten tangled up with him in their tussle on the floor and raced off to get dressed. Christopher was lost in a sea of beddings and had to fight for himself to get to the top. Once he did he raced off to the training grounds and fell into formation along with his brother just in time for it to begin.
“Attention all who gathers here today,” shouted the royal advisor called out, “for on this day part of the Shuhuntai Tano may be born again. We gather here today for inspection by the master of the Shuhuntai Tano, Master Takatai, who shall see if someone here posses the capability to withhold the reputation of the Shuhuntai Tano and bring peace to our lands. May I now present Master Takati who shall announce the first criteria to become a Shuhuntai Tano. Master you may start now.” The advisor then finished his speech and walked away into the crowd that had gathered for the ceremony.
“My friends, I shall now begin my search to find if any of you are capable of becoming part of the group of Shuhuntai Tano, but remember this if you do not fail to follow all of the criteria please go away from the group so I may see who I am working with. There is one other thing before I begin. Let me introduce you to two of the members who have already passed inspection a while ago and have begun their training. Please, Doray Kia and Corna Andrew please come up here,” Master Takati said. Kia and Andrew came up to where he was. Doray is the title for expert ninja in Halaner, and Corna is the title for a good one. They took their place by his side and waited patiently while their master began to start talking again.
“These are two of the seven members of the shadow warriors. Including me three have been identified. I am now searching for the other four. Now let us begin. First off you must be thirty-five or younger,” Master Takati said. Many of the group assembled got up and went away. There was about half of the group left.
“Next, if you have any experience with war already you must leave,” Master Takati said. Half of the group that was left got up to leave.
“If you are going to specialize in archery you are not eligible,” the master said. A few people left at this announcement.
“If you are going to specialize in swords or daggers then you are eligible,” Master Takati said. More people got up to leave. A small group stayed in what had been a very large group. Caitlyn, Christopher, Aaron, and Rachel still remained.
Suddenly Kevin galloped in on his white charger leading Rachel’s small brown mare behind him. “Rachel, I’m sorry, but we must leave now! The evil mage we’ve been looking for is ransacking parts of the northern kingdom. If we leave now we might be able to stop too much damage and actually catch him this time,” Kevin shouted. He glanced about and smiled as he saw a shady figure in the background talking to the king and looking as if casting a spell.
“Yes, father. I’m coming,” Rachel replied then ran over to her horse and saddled up.
“Master Takati, I’m sorry my daughter is unable to remain for your inspection, but this is very urgent and I require her help very much,” Kevin said curtly to the master then said to the king and queen, “I’m sorry, your royal majesties, but if Mage Tor is to be stopped he must be we must leave now. Bringing Rachel with me will give me a good backup mage and help to progress her training.” With that said the two of them rode off. Caitlyn glanced back from all of the commotion to see Master Takati shaking his head with sadness or maybe it was anger. She couldn’t tell, but what she could tell was that between his emotions and Lord Tomas’s talking to the master, they weren’t on the best of terms. Maybe that was why Rachel had to leave today of all days. Rachel’s father and Master Takati obviously had their differences.
“Ahh, if I can everyone’s attention. I am going to stop for now in the examination. Tomorrow I would like all of you who remain to report back here at nine o’clock sharp. Andrew and Kia will help me to personally examine you to see if any of you are one of the shadow warriors. Thank you and good day to you all now. Your majesties may I talk to you in private?” Master Takati said. King Jeffrey nodded and together the king and queen went up into the castle to talk to the master privately. The assembly started to break up.
Andrew and Kia stayed awkwardly where they were looking down at their feet so as not to meet their friend’s stares. Kia looked up and saw that Caitlyn, Christopher, and Aaron were huddled together talking about something in whispers and weren’t even looking at them. “They’re probably trying to think of a way to make us tell. Let’s go now before they can catch us. We’ll even be able to hear what Master’s talking about if we hurry,” Kia whispered to Andrew. The two of them started to run to the castle. They didn’t get four paces when they were tripped by some invisible barrier. They tried to get up but found they were in an invisible box. Andrew squirmed around and to see that Caitlyn had put a spell of imprisonment on them. Kia saw that the king was turning and walking away as if he had just asked Caitlyn to do something. Caitlyn herself was deep in concentration. All of a sudden their box which imprisoned the two siblings started to rise up off the ground. Caitlyn started walking to the castle. The box started to move after her.
“Why isn’t anyone trying to help us?” Andrew asked but realized the truth right after he said it. Behind Caitlyn walked Christopher muttering something over and over again. Andrew read his lips and saw that he was saying an enchantment of invisibility.
“How do we get out? Do you think we should use force against our own friends?” Kia asked in a quiet voice, “We can’t break our vows so basically we can’t tell them anything until the time is right.”
“Maybe this is the right time,” Andrew answered back.
“Let’s let our masters decide that. Father gave us explicit directions that for their own safety they were not to be told unless they proved worthy to join as a shadow warrior. For now let’s just see what they plan on doing to us. I don’t think they have the heart to hurt us. The only possible way to get us to tell would be to use a truth serum on us, and we’ve been trained against that,” Kia said to him gently.
“I don’t know. If they get a strong enough dose we might loose our concentration and tell everything we know,” Andrew said thoughtfully. He was scared at the thought of truth serum. During his training, he had had some very uncomfortable experiences with it, namely that he was given a dose secretly by a fellow trainee and blurted out many things he wasn’t proud of.
“It would kill us then. For a ninja’s concentration to be broken would take a very long time. Even a Corna’s would take a long while to break,” Kia said to comfort Andrew, “Anyway we’ll have a plan before they get so extreme. I just hope they don’t get permission from the king to do anything they want to get information out of us. Hopefully they won’t get that drastic, but it is a very good possibility. King Jeffrey hates ninjas ever since his father was killed by an assassin when he was a boy. Twenty some years are a long time for hate to boil, and some members of our order have not been helping along good mutual associations. You do realize that he only tolerates us, because Queen Debbie is good friend of our mother. He might have even ordered for them to do this to us without her consent.”
“I know . . .” Andrew said, but that was all he got to say because at that moment a darkish gray cloud erupted in their box. They immediately started to cough for several minutes as they fought to stay awake, but eventually the cloud of darkness won and everything went black. Andrew and Kia were both lying in their box unconscious.
End of excerpt
Ok, well if anyone would take the time to read the excerpt and give some feedback I would be infinitly indebted to you.
Thanks
Anyways, seriously, I am looking for some people's ideas on some of my excerpts that I'll post here. If you want to tell me it sucks, that's fine but at least do me the decency and give me something to work on so it isn't so bad.
I'll probably be posting parts from two different stories, one is done and I have to edit it (working title Trip's Adventure or A Knight's Tale) and the other is the one I still have to finish (no title). I'll post where the except is from and a summary of what had happened before so it makes sense. Basically I need help for people to read it and give me feedback to make it better.
Last note before I actually post something, please don't copy anything I mean come on, I've worked really hard on this and its protected under intellectual property copyright. I'm not saying I don't trust anyone, its just I have to post that so someone doesn't take it before I have the chance to see what I can do with it in the actual world of publishing (that's still tentative, but yeah, we'll see)
Anyways, if you've read even some of that, my first excerpt I'm posting is from the beginning of my work in progress. Basically, Kia and Andrew are two ninjas coming to meet their long time friends, Prince Christopher, Prince Aaron, Lady Caitlyn, and the mage Rachel. This scene is basically what kicks off the entire story where Kia and Andrew are captured by their 'friends' because they are being accused of treason. This is the scene of their capture. From there, Andrew is released to return to the ninja academy but Kia is forced to run as a fugitive to figure out who is manipulating the king.
Beginning of excerpt
“Wake up! CHRISTOPHER AND AARON FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME, GET OUT OF BED!” Queen Deborah said loudly to her children, “Come on. You don’t want to be late for the weapon ceremony do you? Caitlyn asked if you could go with her and your father said yes.”
“Really? That’s awesome. Aaron get up! Father said we could be in the ceremony and not just watch. Hey, when did Caitlyn ask you? She didn’t ask yesterday or else she would have told us,” Christopher said excitedly from under his covers.
“She got up at seven ‘o ‘clock, the time you were supposed to,” replied their mother.
“What time is it then?” Christopher inquired, still under his bed covers.
“Eight thirty-five. You better get dressed. Do you want me to get a maid to help dress you?” his mother answered.
“Eight thirty-nine! The ceremony starts in twenty-five minutes, at nine ‘o ‘clock!” Christopher shouted, hopping out of bed where he started to dress himself, “No, I don’t need a maid to help me. I’m old enough to dress myself, can you help me button up this and where is my sword? Oh thanks mom.”
“You’re welcome. Now hold still while I button this up,” his mother said laughing at the way Christopher fidgeted to get out to the ceremony, “Aaron get up. You barely have time as it is to get ready.”
“What ceremony?” Aaron mumbled then became mostly alert when his brother landed on him.
“Why, your wedding ceremony of course!” Christopher cried while trying to wrestle Aaron out of bed. For someone being very sleepy he was putting up a good fight.
“What! I’m too young to get married!!! Help me run away Christopher!!!” Aaron said while trying to push Christopher off of him.
“I was just teasing you, my crazy brother! It’s the weapon ceremony that’s being held by Master Takati! Get out of bed we got to go!” Christopher cried freverently trying to pull Aaron out from underneath his bed covers where he was now hiding from the light of day and his ‘wedding ceremony.’
Aaron came out from under his covers and said remorsely, “What about it? Father said he just wished us to watch it. He doesn’t want there to be a chance I get picked.”
“Mother said that Father is going to let us, because Caitlyn is being allowed to and she asked if we could come with her. Now GET UP! We only have twenty minutes to get you dressed and get down to the grounds! Oofffff!” Christopher said. The ‘ooffff’ was caused by Christopher finally succeeding in getting Aaron out of bed but then having him land on top of himself in the process.
“What are we waiting for then? Let’s go!” Aaron cried who then got off of Christopher but dropped his comforter, sheets, and pillows which had gotten tangled up with him in their tussle on the floor and raced off to get dressed. Christopher was lost in a sea of beddings and had to fight for himself to get to the top. Once he did he raced off to the training grounds and fell into formation along with his brother just in time for it to begin.
“Attention all who gathers here today,” shouted the royal advisor called out, “for on this day part of the Shuhuntai Tano may be born again. We gather here today for inspection by the master of the Shuhuntai Tano, Master Takatai, who shall see if someone here posses the capability to withhold the reputation of the Shuhuntai Tano and bring peace to our lands. May I now present Master Takati who shall announce the first criteria to become a Shuhuntai Tano. Master you may start now.” The advisor then finished his speech and walked away into the crowd that had gathered for the ceremony.
“My friends, I shall now begin my search to find if any of you are capable of becoming part of the group of Shuhuntai Tano, but remember this if you do not fail to follow all of the criteria please go away from the group so I may see who I am working with. There is one other thing before I begin. Let me introduce you to two of the members who have already passed inspection a while ago and have begun their training. Please, Doray Kia and Corna Andrew please come up here,” Master Takati said. Kia and Andrew came up to where he was. Doray is the title for expert ninja in Halaner, and Corna is the title for a good one. They took their place by his side and waited patiently while their master began to start talking again.
“These are two of the seven members of the shadow warriors. Including me three have been identified. I am now searching for the other four. Now let us begin. First off you must be thirty-five or younger,” Master Takati said. Many of the group assembled got up and went away. There was about half of the group left.
“Next, if you have any experience with war already you must leave,” Master Takati said. Half of the group that was left got up to leave.
“If you are going to specialize in archery you are not eligible,” the master said. A few people left at this announcement.
“If you are going to specialize in swords or daggers then you are eligible,” Master Takati said. More people got up to leave. A small group stayed in what had been a very large group. Caitlyn, Christopher, Aaron, and Rachel still remained.
Suddenly Kevin galloped in on his white charger leading Rachel’s small brown mare behind him. “Rachel, I’m sorry, but we must leave now! The evil mage we’ve been looking for is ransacking parts of the northern kingdom. If we leave now we might be able to stop too much damage and actually catch him this time,” Kevin shouted. He glanced about and smiled as he saw a shady figure in the background talking to the king and looking as if casting a spell.
“Yes, father. I’m coming,” Rachel replied then ran over to her horse and saddled up.
“Master Takati, I’m sorry my daughter is unable to remain for your inspection, but this is very urgent and I require her help very much,” Kevin said curtly to the master then said to the king and queen, “I’m sorry, your royal majesties, but if Mage Tor is to be stopped he must be we must leave now. Bringing Rachel with me will give me a good backup mage and help to progress her training.” With that said the two of them rode off. Caitlyn glanced back from all of the commotion to see Master Takati shaking his head with sadness or maybe it was anger. She couldn’t tell, but what she could tell was that between his emotions and Lord Tomas’s talking to the master, they weren’t on the best of terms. Maybe that was why Rachel had to leave today of all days. Rachel’s father and Master Takati obviously had their differences.
“Ahh, if I can everyone’s attention. I am going to stop for now in the examination. Tomorrow I would like all of you who remain to report back here at nine o’clock sharp. Andrew and Kia will help me to personally examine you to see if any of you are one of the shadow warriors. Thank you and good day to you all now. Your majesties may I talk to you in private?” Master Takati said. King Jeffrey nodded and together the king and queen went up into the castle to talk to the master privately. The assembly started to break up.
Andrew and Kia stayed awkwardly where they were looking down at their feet so as not to meet their friend’s stares. Kia looked up and saw that Caitlyn, Christopher, and Aaron were huddled together talking about something in whispers and weren’t even looking at them. “They’re probably trying to think of a way to make us tell. Let’s go now before they can catch us. We’ll even be able to hear what Master’s talking about if we hurry,” Kia whispered to Andrew. The two of them started to run to the castle. They didn’t get four paces when they were tripped by some invisible barrier. They tried to get up but found they were in an invisible box. Andrew squirmed around and to see that Caitlyn had put a spell of imprisonment on them. Kia saw that the king was turning and walking away as if he had just asked Caitlyn to do something. Caitlyn herself was deep in concentration. All of a sudden their box which imprisoned the two siblings started to rise up off the ground. Caitlyn started walking to the castle. The box started to move after her.
“Why isn’t anyone trying to help us?” Andrew asked but realized the truth right after he said it. Behind Caitlyn walked Christopher muttering something over and over again. Andrew read his lips and saw that he was saying an enchantment of invisibility.
“How do we get out? Do you think we should use force against our own friends?” Kia asked in a quiet voice, “We can’t break our vows so basically we can’t tell them anything until the time is right.”
“Maybe this is the right time,” Andrew answered back.
“Let’s let our masters decide that. Father gave us explicit directions that for their own safety they were not to be told unless they proved worthy to join as a shadow warrior. For now let’s just see what they plan on doing to us. I don’t think they have the heart to hurt us. The only possible way to get us to tell would be to use a truth serum on us, and we’ve been trained against that,” Kia said to him gently.
“I don’t know. If they get a strong enough dose we might loose our concentration and tell everything we know,” Andrew said thoughtfully. He was scared at the thought of truth serum. During his training, he had had some very uncomfortable experiences with it, namely that he was given a dose secretly by a fellow trainee and blurted out many things he wasn’t proud of.
“It would kill us then. For a ninja’s concentration to be broken would take a very long time. Even a Corna’s would take a long while to break,” Kia said to comfort Andrew, “Anyway we’ll have a plan before they get so extreme. I just hope they don’t get permission from the king to do anything they want to get information out of us. Hopefully they won’t get that drastic, but it is a very good possibility. King Jeffrey hates ninjas ever since his father was killed by an assassin when he was a boy. Twenty some years are a long time for hate to boil, and some members of our order have not been helping along good mutual associations. You do realize that he only tolerates us, because Queen Debbie is good friend of our mother. He might have even ordered for them to do this to us without her consent.”
“I know . . .” Andrew said, but that was all he got to say because at that moment a darkish gray cloud erupted in their box. They immediately started to cough for several minutes as they fought to stay awake, but eventually the cloud of darkness won and everything went black. Andrew and Kia were both lying in their box unconscious.
End of excerpt
Ok, well if anyone would take the time to read the excerpt and give some feedback I would be infinitly indebted to you.
Thanks