UKFA League Season 2006 : Preseason

[Betelgeuse XII]

Joolsdom Forest 1-1 Racing Club
Stade Vandalay, Costanzia

The league preseason has begun in earnest, with the UKFA Cup's finalists battling it out in a rematch in the same stadium. The result, however, was the same, with both sides testing some new faces in a score draw.

In other news, the UKFA has grown to include 24 teams from 9 different regions. This reflects a 66% increase in the number of teams that competed in the UKFA Cup in June/July. This also means that two new divisions have been opened, so the UKFA now runs three leagues in total. The UKFA Press Office has been hard at work creating logos for each league which will be revealed once the season proper is underway. New teams are, of course, welcome. If you are interested in joining, either visit the UKFA Headquarters on our forum HERE, reply by personal message, or leave a message in this thread.

[Ness Snorlaxia]

Can I join, if I want to?

[Betelgeuse XII]

Of course. We just need a team name (with your nation's name in it or a variation thereof) and a team logo, and you're all set. Basically once we have both of those you're officially registered.

[Betelgeuse XII]

Costanzia Jon Voights 2-2 Peace and Democracy United
Stade Vandalay, Costanzia

Costanzia and Peace & Democracy continued the preseason friendly tradition and played out the second draw in Stade Vandalay in as many games, in a rematch of the UKFA Cup's semi final 1. The game was the first chance for Costanzia's new manager, Zinedine Zidane, to see his team in action after his dramatic retirement from world football. The game was also notable for Costanzia's unveiling of a new-look kit and logo, having shed the tuxedos of old.

The match most fans are waiting for however is the confirmed friendly against arch-rivals KikMYarm Argyle.

UKFA HQ

edit: the tags didn't work. I think I found a bug I used quick post and it's ignoring the tags.

[Betelgeuse XII]

KikMYarm Argyle 2-3 Costanzia John Voights
A Stadium with Fricking Sharks with Fricking Laser Beams on their Heads, KikMYarm

Costanzia can congratulate themselves on a win in a match that was anything but 'friendly' - antics on and off the pitch put paid to that. The Costanzian team's helicopter, necessary for reaching and leaving the ground since it is situated on a rocky island just large enough to accommodate the stadium, was mysteriously put out of action after the match. Five Argyle fans are apparantly being held on suspicion of being ASBO'd upto the eyeballs. We understand that a relief mission is underway to feed the stranded Costanzian players and fans, whilst all Argyle players and fans have somehow managed to return home safely. The KikMYarm authorities are thus being accused of deliberately stranding the Costanzians and subsequently flying in supplies in order to divert suspicion.

Meanwhile, the Costanzian FA have released this statement via a spokesman:

' "It was nice to get our first win with our new manager. What with all the passing and kicking, we actually looked like a real football team out there." Fans were pleased to learn of their team's success in the second friendly of the preseason - reports indicate that fans in the plazas of the major cities across Costanzia were more interested in success of their JV's instead of burning the argyle sweaters and socks that were hurriedly purchased for burning before the match. Oddly enough, most fans simply ended up wearing the clothing as they celebrated with GMPV's and some recent imports of GMCW from Joolsdom. Manager Zizou was pleased that strikers Bob Sacamano and Newman have both netted their second goals in preseason play. Goalie and captain "Crazy" Joe DaVola, however, looked a bit shaky after giving up a pair of goals in his second consecutive game. "We aren't too worried about Joe," said Zidane. "It's still the preseason, and both kMa and Peace and Democracy are quality clubs. He shouldn't be ashamed of his performance." A rare show of praise for his opponents from the internationally infamous Zidane. ' (C) CFA

UKFA HQ

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AFC DMCD 0-1 Random Textbox Inputs FC
Priestfield Stadium, DMCD

AFC DMCD lost their first match as a UKFA team in a tight friendly. With the end of the game minutes away, a flick on from midfield caught the DMCD defence napping, and RTI's forwards made short work of the opportunity. Up until that point it had been a fairly even game, with both teams looking comfortable on the ball and enjoying some decent chances.

A furious Patrick O'Riley gave us this interview : "We should have and could have got away with at least a draw. RTI Played brilliantly throughout the match but i felt at times we could have stolen it. RTI where the better team at the end of the day however and their quality shone through." First team coach Bobby Saxton also had this to add : "We lost on the day but I don't feel we should be disappointed. It was a very inspired performance and i think we can take heart from it. We will be working on defence and overall fitness over the next few days and look forward to our next match." (C) DMCD FA

Farstran Silverfoxes 1-0 Atletico Mittsville
Farstra

Atletico Mittsville also lost in their first ever game in the United Kingdom Football Association. They lost 1-0 to fellow newcomers Farstran Silverfoxes, with the winner coming early in the second half. Atletico reportedly flew back to Mittsville straight after the match for more intensive training. But before they left, a team representative gave us this statement :

"We believe that, although this result is not good, we can go on and get better in the future. This is only our first match and the team played some good football. Hopefully, we can get better when the season starts. We will be trying to arrange another freindly soon to get more match experience before the season starts." (C) MFA


UKFA HQ

[Betelgeuse XII]

Shawdom International 1-2 KikMYarm Argyle
Bramhall Community Stadium, Shawdom

Lisburn Exiles 2-1 Costanzia Jon Voights
New Bloomfield Park, Lisburn Mateys


A guest report from the Lisburn Star, in association with the UKFA
Exiles' first win

Lisburn Exiles today won their first ever UKFA match in front of a packed New Bloomfield Park. They had played Lisburn Rangers and Dromara Village beforehand but lost both of those games.

The game today was a friendly against the experienced Premier League side Costanzia Jon Voights, but the Exiles outplayed them with captain Matthew Wonder running the show. After the match, Exiles Manager Jonny MC Jovi indicated that young goalkeeper Troy Curtains would almost certainly be in the squad come the start of the season, after an outstanding game where he produced many excellent saves. We can also expect many of those playing today to be drafted into the squad alongside Curtains when the season proper starts.

Exiles' goals where scored by Wonder after fantastic passing play and a thundering finish; and a second half penalty from youngster Pepe Le Peu, who has also been drafted into the squad and offered a three year contract.

However, the match turned into a farce towards the end when Jon Voights manager Zidane burst onto the pitch and headbutted the referee. The incident occured after Jackie Chiles, a Costanzian defender, conceded a stonewall penalty and was sent off for a second bookable offence. After assaulting the referee, Zidane went on to headbutt his own player, Chiles, and an innocent Exiles supporter in the stands. The Lisburn Star would like to take this opportunity to condemn the senseless and unprovoked attack on a defenceless Exiles supporter, and we demand that Zidane be held to account. We dont care about the other two however as they aren't from Lisburn.

The local FA has asked Zidane to be banned from travelling to any part of the Commonwealth of Lisburn Mateys for the forseeable future.

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We have received this report from the Costanzian press:

Jaws agape across Costanzia

Stunned. Thats the only word that could describe JV Nation's feelings following a 2-1 loss to UKFA newcomers Lisburn Mateys. After two very strong showings against UKFA Cup semi-finalist P&D United and arch-rivals Argyle, the Jon Voights were upset on the road against the Mateys. "Crazy" Joe DaVola again allowed two goals to the opposing team, but he said he felt better today than the previous two contests. "The first goal was just a real beautiful play by the other team. I don't think there is a keeper alive who could have stopped that one." The second goal came on a penalty kick, and DaVola didn't do his homework as he dived the wrong way. The penalty came as a result of a questionable foul in the box, in which a yellow card ensued for star defender Jackie Chiles. Chiles was furious and vehemently argued the decision, as it was his second yellow of the game. With the sending off, manager Zidane came running on to the field and calmly explained the referee's error to him. After he had done this, he headbutted the official, Chiles, and then an unidentified Mateys fan in the stands, as is the French custom. Fans back home in Costanzia were legitimately upset with the call, but don't necessarily support Zidane's actions. The loss is specially shocking as the Mateys are a Division I team, and this could hurt Costanzia's standing in the UKFA rankings.

A CFA spokesman released this official statement: "While we don't necessarily condone attacking UKFA officials, our own players, and opposing fans, we are not officially condemning Zizou's outburst today either. There will be no punishment issued from the CFA as of today. What the UKFA chooses to do is their own prerogative."

A UKFA statement is expected shortly.


UKFA HQ

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UKFA WILL STUDY VIDEO EVIDENCE OF ‘INCIDENTS’

The UKFA have indicated that they will be studying video footage of Costanzia Jon Voights manager Zinedine Zidane’s apparent headbutting of three separate people in the friendly against the Lisburn Exiles.

The game was only a friendly, but since it was officially sanctioned by the UKFA it is under the jurisdiction of the organisation, and there were UKFA officials present. The game was also being screened live to several countries on the ANtv network, including Lisburn Mateys and Costanzia. This has provoked controversy in itself, with many parents demanding that games featuring Costanzia are not shown before the 9pm watershed in future. Indeed, censors in many of the nations that make up the UKFA are considering creating a special category for anything that the fiery French manager will be shown in, which would prohibit children from watching. Suggested names for the category are ‘GB’ for ‘Gallic Buffoonery’, or ‘ZZ’ for ‘Over the ZZ Top Violence’.

More on the story as it develops.


TV footage of one of the incidents

POLICE FINGER BRIGHTONBURGIANS, THREATEN LENGTHY INVESTIGATION

Police have today sensationally released the names of three of the apparent conspirators in the Holdawas Hotspurs’ manager kidnap case. They are hopeful that this will drive some of those involved over-ground so they will finally be able to crack the case. The three are :

Phillp Bushfield – apparant ring leader , Pamala Yorksburg , Francis Channing-Southboro.

All three are now awaiting trial. Police have also confirmed that the three all have ties to the Brightonburgian Mafia, and that two were identified with the help of the public after Police released CCTV images.

Meanwhile, Police are reportedly losing hope of finding the manager himself. There are rumours among the press associations that he has been sold into Brightonburg’s notorious sex industry, and may never emerge to see the light of day.


The invaluable CCTV image

UKFA CONTINUES TO EXPAND; LEAGUE FORMAT TO BE DECIDED

The UKFA itself now counts 28 teams and nations among its number, now representing no less than 10 different regions. UKFA officials are now debating the relative merits of a three-tier league system versus that of a two-tier one.

The League season itself is scheduled to begin on the 1st of August. If you would like to join the UKFA, either leave a message in this thread, PM me, or visit the UKFA HQ at the link below.


UKFA HQ

[Betelgeuse XII]

A guest report from the Lisburn Star, in association with the UKFA
Ed Mallo plans to sue

Following 'that' incident involving Jon Voights manager Zidane , Mateys citizen and Exiles supporter Ed Mallo has stated his intention to sue Zidane after his diving headbut over the billboards and into the stands where Ed was sitting.

When interviewed, Ed fumed " Zidane had no right to do this, i wasnt even involved in the incident yet he singles me out and does a diving headbut into my chest which knocked me off my feet. When I landed I damaged my head and had to spend some hours in hospital for concussion."

However, eye witnesses have contradicted Ed's story. One told us that Ed was standing and hurling abuse at Zidane after he headbutted the ref, one witness even quotes what he heard Ed say, " You've ruined the game and my ****** bet you *******, why dont you **** off to Contanzia and and **** bulls, football doesn't need you".

Ed denies these reports, but Mateys police are investigating. The Mateys governement has also asked for the extradition of Zidane, indicating that a court case may be imminent.

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A guest report from the CSN, in association with the UKFA
Zizou Issues Statement

Fresh from the Costanzian Sports Network (CSN), Zidane has issued his first statement since the incident.

"Once again, I have to apologize for some unreasonable behavior. What I did was uncalled for. Even if there were some questionable calls, my reactions are unacceptable. I can't believe I have to apologize for headbutting people during match play twice in one month. I hope that this doesn't put a blemish on the face of Costanzian Football. We have a proud, young organization, and we won't let this distract us from what needs to be done on the field. In response to Mr. Mallo's planned lawsuit, I'd prefer to settle this out of court. I have gobs of money, more than he'd otherwise make in his lifetime. So I'm willing to agree to something."

The recipient of Zidane's earlier headbutt, Marco Matterazzi, had this to say: "He's a f*ckin' w*nk*r. What did they expect? Your mother is a terrorist Zidane, and so are you."

Zizou plans to go about his business to get the team ready for their next friendly later on.


UKFA HQ

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Rawhon United 1-3 Shawdom International
The Great Raw, Rawhon

Rawhon Manager Alex Burke had this to say after his side's loss to Shawdom International : "What was Stone thinking of, passing it back to the goalkeeper? Grrr. I'm going to put Rawhon United training up a level! I'm glad this was only a preseason friendly. The boys are lucky it wasn't a relagation saving game! I have to hand it to Speed though, after scoring that great goal from 26 yards out. Thank you."

Atletico Mittsville 3-2 KikMYarm Argyle
Mill Park, Mittsville

This just in from the Mittsville FA :

Members of the MFA were reported to have been running throught the streets of Dranon City with their shirts over their heads.

Mittsville recorded their first win in the UKFA with a tight victory against Premier League side KikMYarm Argyle. The first match in the new Mill Park Stadium was an exiting game, with end to end action and lots of goals, the final score ending 3-2 to Mittsville.

Atletico opened the scoring in the 4th minute with a headed goal from a corner, but kikMYarm pulled a goal back quickly by lobbing the goalkeeper 2 minutes later.

In the second half, kikMYarm scored quickly, but Paul Davids, Atletico's newest player hit a wonderful free kick into the top corner of the net to level once more.

10 minutes later, Davids scored again, heading the ball home from a corner. Mittsville managed to hold out for the remaining part of the game to record their first ever win, in their first home game.

A spokesman for the MFA said after the game : "We are over the moon with this performance against such a strong team. Although our defence was a bit weak, our tactics were just right to score lots of goals and win the game. This match shows that we can play, and win against the biggest teams in the league." (C) MFA

Meanwhile, this just in from the KikMYarm FA :

omgwtflol!!111eleven!


UKFA HQ

[Betelgeuse XII]

Lisburn Exiles 1-1 AFC DMCD
New Bloomfield Park, Lisburn Mateys

Cowardly Wanderers 0-2 Racing Club
Treetop Home, Pacifist Cowards

Cowardly Coach, Yuri Sashov, issued the following after-match statement...

"Although the result may indicate otherwise, this match was a close affair, with both teams trying their hardest to gain a result. A goal in the dying minutes of each half shows us that we need to keep our focus for the full 45 minutes, and pace ourselves, especially against such an experienced team as our opponents today.

"We did, however, make it difficult for ourselves by squandering good chances, and I will be reviewing today's match footage to be seeing if any changes to the team structure or formation are neccessary. That is all..."

A spokesman for Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII saw the match slightly differently however :

"We were pleased with the performance of the youngsters and trialists who outdid themselves this evening with a solid performance. There will be good competition for places in our first team this year, which is great to see, and is a good sign for the season ahead. The senior players are of course looking forward to the start of the season, along with some youngers players on this evidence."


UKFA HQ

[Betelgeuse XII]

Atletico Mittsville 1-0 Joolsdom Forest
Mill Park, Mittsville

Atletico Mittsville stun Joolsdom
A guest report from the Mittsville FA

Atletico Mittsville pulled off an outstanding friendly win against premiership giants and UKFA Cup holders Joolsdom Forest yesterday, the match ending 1-0 to Atletico. Joolsdom are currently on a run of 7 straight wins in competitive matches, including the latter stages of the UKFA Cup, and will take this record into the first round of the UKFA Premier League.

The only goal of the game was scored in the 76th minute, and Atletico held out under fierce pressure in the final part of the game.

In an earlier press conference, an MFA spokesman criticized Forest for underestimating Mittsville's team. “It was a good performance from the team. We have made ourselves known with two good wins against two premiership teams. Things can only get harder for us now, because teams will take notice of us and play harder against us in the future. But we are prepared.”


Meanwhile, after Mittsville's surprise victory over Joolsdom Forest, the team were today in sombre mood as they have missed their usual celbration party.

Alex Meles, Forest's manager made the following statement, in unusually sober mood: "Atlectico played exceptionally well and I think we we underestimated the determination of the UKFA newcomers. This will give us time to reflect - we can't afford to rest on our laurels after our UKFA cup victory and need to get down to some serious training, and of course more GMPV. The full team line-up for the forthcoming season will be announced tomorrow."

Rawhon United 1-1 Costanzia Jon Voights
Ibrox, Joolsdom

After half an hour spent with his ear against Rawhon's dressing room door, an intrepid UKFA reporter was able to listen in on this after-match talk given by Rawhon's manager to his troops:

"Great result lads, I'm glad we scored just before half-time I think that gave them a fright! We drew with a Premier League team. I'm happy with the lot. There was great passing going on. I think the hard training did you all good - that's why I'am giving you all the night off!"


Conversely, we were unable to reach Costanzia manager Zidane for comment.