UKFA Cup : Knockout Stages - Rolling Updates

[Betelgeuse XII]

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FIXTURES

QF1: Peace and Democracy United vs Costanzia Jon Voights (Sat 24-Jun)
QF2: Joolsdom Forest vs Shawdom International (Mon 26-Jun)
QF3: KikMYarm Argyle vs Some Random People United (Wed 28-Jun)
QF4: Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII vs Brightonburg United (Fri 30-Jun)

SF1: Winner QF1 vs Winner QF2 (Tue 4-Jul)
SF2: Winner QF3 vs Winner QF4 (Wed 5-Jul)

3PP: Loser SF1 vs Loser SF2 (Sat 8-Jul)

The Final - Sunday 9th June

[Betelgeuse XII]

PEACE AND DEMOCRACY EASE INTO SEMIS AFTER DECENT PERFORMANCE

Peace and Democracy United booked their place in the semi finals of the UKFA Cup with a solid, but not entirely inspiring win over Costanzia Jon Voights. The last ten minutes were awkward ones for P&D as they hadn't found the second goal earlier in the game, but Costanzia rarely threatened and as as result have been sent back home on the 'plane of shame' as some pundits have so eloquently called it. P&D now face either Joolsdom Forest or Shawdom International in the first semi final on Tuesday the fourth.

Statements from the two sides are pending.

[Betelgeuse XII]

Delayed update:

[Betelgeuse XII]

POWER CUT THROWS UKFA INTO CHAOS, OFFICIALS SUSPECT SABOTAGE



UKFA HQ was sent into chaos last night as a power cut severed lines of communication and delayed the confirmation of results. A leaked internal memo seems to suggest that Officials suspect sabotage, with suspicion apparently falling on the same organisations implicated in the ‘kidnapping’ of the Holdawas Hotspurs’ coach – namely Joolsdom Forest and Brightonburg United. It is unclear at this point as to whether UFKA Officials suspect officially sanctioned sabotage attempts, or if crack sabotage squads have sprung up naturally from the ranks of supporters’ clubs, but the aim was probably to deflect attention away from the clubs in question. Although highly embarrassing for the UKFA, the damage is unlikely to be long-term. Actual details of the plot are not available at this point in time, although it has been suggested that the ‘trojan badger’ technique may have been employed.

FOREST LAUNCH SMEAR CAMPAIGN, REFUTE ALLEGATIONS

In what is believed to be a coordinated double press offensive, Officials from Joolsdom Forest yesterday flatly denied allegations of kidnapping, while at the same time a report in the Joolsdom Journal attempted to cast doubt over whether the coach of Holdawas Hotspurs has been kidnapped at all. The paper dismisses the rumours as conjecture and claims to provide photographic evidence that the coach had been regularly frequenting ‘disreputable establishments’, with the insinuation being that the coach has simply disappeared into one of these establishments and just not come out again.


The ‘establishment’ in question

FANS FEELING ORANGE AFTER BEING TURNED AWAY


Disappointed Joolsdom fans are forced to catch the bus back to their hotels

Hundreds of Joolsdom Forest fans were turned away from yesterday’s quarter final match against Shawdom International after keen-eyed officials smelled a rat. Security spotted hundreds of Forest fans decked out in the orange t-shirts of the distillers of GM Carrot Whiskey. Realising that this would be a massive PR coup for GMCW if they could sneak in these walking advertisements into a UKFA Cup game sponsored by their rivals at GM Potato Vodka, GMCW promised fans a crate of the the alco-veg drink in return for wearing the T-shirt to the game. When questioned about their supposed allegiance to GMCW, fans said: "Well, it's not as good as GMPV. But it was free, and you don't look a gift horse in the mouth."


One of the offending t-shirts

FOREST THROUGH TO SEMIS AFTER SCARE

Finally, Joolsdom Forest made it through to the semi finals of the UKFA Cup yesterday, but not after Shawdom International threatened to turn the game on its head by scoring first. In the end though, Joolsdom’s extra quality shone through as they battled their way through the game, showing commendable determination.


Mir Stadium, Peace-and-Democracy, during the quarter final showdown

[Betelgeuse XII]

NEWCOMERS MAKE IT TO THE LAST FOUR

Some Random People United became the only new entrant to the UKFA to reach the semi finals of the UKFA Cup after they edged out KikMYarm Argyle in what was admittedly the least entertaining of the three quarter finals played so far. The lack of quality in both sides' squads told as both sides played cagey football, reminiscent of an end-of-season league game. However it is Some Random People who have emerged triumphant, and will play the winner of Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII and Brightonburg United in a semi final that will be played on the fifth of July.

Statements from the two sides are pending.

[Betelgeuse XII]

RACING CRUISE INTO A SEMI FINAL BERTH

Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII were never really threatened by Brightonburg United as the unfancied team's luck finally ran out.

Statements from the two sides are expected and an update is pending.

[Betelgeuse XII]

BADGERS ACCUSED OF STAGING FAKE PROTEST

Joolsdom Forest officials have been accused of organising ‘public’ protests by the UKFA after four men in badger costumes turned up outside UKFA HQ yesterday. In a statement, UKFA Officials hinted that the Joolsdom FA organised the ‘protest’ in an attempt to divert attention from their conduct during the UKFA Cup, which is being investigated amidst allegations of kidnap and extortion.

A police spokesman had this to say: “We’re not even sure that four people constitute a protest. Certainly it wasn’t deemed important enough to divert resources away from guarding the kebab shop from tearaway halal and watching home and away”.

Meanwhile Joolsdom’s Education Secretary lamented the image that the ‘protesters’ were portraying of Joolsdom, since one of their placards was misspelled.


'Protesters' plus misspelled placard

BRIGHTONBURG PRESS OFFICE IN ANOTHER PR GAFFE

As is Brightonburgian custom, a Brightonburgian press officer broke an egg over his own face on live TV yesterday in penance for yet another PR gaffe. When asked where his team’s players were when Holdawas Hotspurs’ coach was allegedly kidnapped, he answered that they were at the hotel studying tapes of Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII ahead of their quarter final clash. However the PR man quickly realised what he had said – at that time, the Brightonburg football team may well have been at their hotel, but they should have been studying tapes of the Holdawas Hotspurs side ahead of their group match, since they would have played them the next morning. The slip is seen by some as further proof that the Hotspurs manager has disappeared under suspicious circumstances.



SURPRISE AS SHAWDOM MANAGED IS THROWN OUT AFTER ALL


Buller expresses his surprise at his sacking

It has come to our attention that Clayton Buller, Shawdom International’s manager has been sacked after intense speculation about his future in football. The eccentric manager has been at odds with the press for some time, but his sacking still comes as a surprise to many pundits after he guided his side to the quarter finals, where his side lost out to a strong Joolsdom Forest team. The Shawdom FA is reported to be welcoming applications for the job.


A pundit expresses his ‘expert opinion’ on the sacking

ANTICIPATION BUILDS AHEAD OF SEMI FINALS

And finally, the footballing world is of course gearing up for the UKFA Cup semi finals. Peace and Democracy and Joolsdom Forest will face off on Tuesday, and Some Random People Utd will play Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII in the other semi.


The paramedics are called in after Bill and Ted overdo the celebrations

[Porcu]

*Laughs*

Looks great as always! Keep it up!

[Betelgeuse XII]

POLICE PLAN RECIEVE NEW LEAD; BREAKTHROUGH EXPECTED

In news just in, we understand that police investigating the alleged kidnapping of the Holdawas Hotspurs manager are following up a new lead. Police remain tight-lipped, but we have received CCTV footage which is believed to depict two of the men police are now actively seeking out.



ENTIRE BRIGHTONBURG PRESS DEPART SACKED AFTER BLUNDERS


The Brightonburgian Press Office this morning

Emperor Janos II of Brightonburg yesterday enacted one of Brightonburg’s myriad and complex constitutional clauses and told the entire Press Office of Brightonburg United not to bother to turn up in the morning. It is believed that the Emperor even went as far as to personally sacked his younger, brother Prince George von Brightonburg, and reactivate his major-general commisson. The Prince has since been posted to command the 67th Light Infantry Divsion far away from the capital of Brightonburg City.

The new B.S.L.F Chairman, Sir Xavier Crassus de Southboro KGC, marked his appointment by delivering a three-hour speech in which he roundly criticized his predecessors.



SHAWDOM FA IN NEGOTIATIONS WITH COSTANZIA MANAGER

We have been informed this afternoon that the Costanzian FA has agreed to allow the Shawdom FA to speak to Dr Mephisto, currently manager of the Costanzia Jon Voights, with a view to taking over the vacant manager’s position at Shawdom International. In an interview given earlier, the current chairman of the Costanzia FA indicated that they reluctantly granted permission to the Shawdom FA to speak to Mephisto, in the knowledge that now is probably the right time for the part-time geneticist to move on.


The Costanzian director of football is philosophical

UKFA CHAIRMAN ONE YEAR OLDER, NONE THE WISER

Finally on a more light-hearted note, there will be a short ceremony before tonight’s upcoming Semi-Final clash between Peace and Democracy United and Joolsdom Forest, in celebration of the UKFA Chairman’s birthday last Sunday.

[Betelgeuse XII]

JOOLSDOM OVERCOME P&D IN EXTRA TIME

The badgers of Joolsdom Forest needed extra time to dispose of Peace and Democracy, but they are through after a thriller of a game and will face the winner of Some Random People and Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII in the second semi final.

Comments from the two sides are pending.

BREAKING NEWS

Shawdom International have announced that they will announce their new manager in a press conference shortly.

[Ness Snorlaxia]

Cats can talk now?

[Porcu]

Duh!...They have always been able to do that

[Betelgeuse XII]

RACING CLUB STROLL INTO THE FINALS AFTER RANDOM DREAM IS SHATTERED

Some Random People's fairytale UKFA Cup story came to an end this evening after they were comprehensively outplayed by Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII.

Racing Club will now play Joolsdom Forest in the Final, and Peace and Democracy United will play Some Random People United in the 3rd Place Playoff.

Statements from the two sides are pending, as is an interview with the new Shawdom manager.

[Betelgeuse XII]

Not just cats

[Betelgeuse XII]