UKFA Cup : Group Stages - Rolling Updates

[Betelgeuse XII]

[Betelgeuse XII]

[Betelgeuse XII]

After a fairly slow start, the UKFA Cup got into the swing of things with the match everybody was looking forward to - Joolsdom Forest versus Holdawas Hotspurs. Forest emerged triumphant with a strong showing : if they can carry this form into the knockout stages, they will be a force to be reckoned with. Elsewhere, Racing Club were content to play out a relatively dull draw with Shawdom FC - both teams will need to shape up if they have any intention of progressing in the competition.

[Betelgeuse XII]

After the first round of matches in Groups A and B were completed this afternoon, we have a slightly clearer idea of how the group stages will pan out. Peace and Democracy got their UKFA Cup campaign off to a flying start with a crushing 4-0 victory over Some Random People. P&D's odds have correspondingly shortened from 4/1 to 3/1 with punters clamouring to waste their aptly named disposable income. Costanzia Jon Voights' campaigns looks all the more difficult after their surprising (but not quite shocking) loss to Atlantic Red Wolves. Qualification for the next round is not impossilble after a loss, but it is unlikely; a couple of draws meanwhile will now see ARW through to the knockout stages.

[Betelgeuse XII]

After a slow day fixtures-wise, Brightonburg United overcame the Posulian Puffins in what cynics have dubbed the race for third place in Group C. However Brightonburg are now in joint first place in the group, so Brightonburg have the opportunity to build from this result and possibly stage an upset by qualifying for the next round.

In Group D, what was predicted to be Racing Club's certain and easy qualification from the group became less certain after they were held by Shawdom International. What was characterised, perhaps unfairly, as a three horse race between Shawdom, Devons Island and Postboxes for second place, has taken on a slightly different complexion as Postboxes won out over Devons Island 3-2 to top the group. Reigning champions of the UKFA Premier League, Racing Club, now face Postboxes on Thursday in a match that looks certain to decide the fate of Group D.

BREAKING NEWS : After Joolsdom Forest's derby victory against Holdawas Hotspurs, Forest's manager said "I'ze vehry hahpee wiz te rezuld", before tripping over the comatose goalie and knocking himself unconsious on an empty GMPV bottle. The celebrations are sure to continue if Forest can build on their winning start.

BREAKING NEWS : Some Random Manager has walked out on his team after their 4-0 drubbing at the hands of Peace and Democracy. Some Random People United now have until Friday to put into place a new managemant team, where they will play Arrithoria to decide (according to some) who will get the wooden spoon in Group A.

[Betelgeuse XII]

PEACE AND DEMOCRACY QUALIFY FOR THE KNOCKOUT STAGES

In today's heavyweight clash in Group A, Green Academicals (2nd in the UKFAPL) went down 2-1 against Peace and Democracy United (3rd in the UKFAPL). P&D are now hot favourites to qualify top of their group, and of course have now qualified for the next round. As Group B stands, they will most likely play either Random Textbox Inputs or Atlantic Red Wolves in the next round.

GROUP B SCRAMBLE HOTS UP

The scramble for the top two places in Group B took another twist as Random Textbox Inputs went top after beating Atlantic Red Wolves 2-1. The Atlanticos' chances of qualification have been dented, but a draw in their final game against KikMYarm Argyle may just be enough to qualify. Similarly, Random Textbox Inputs will probably make it through to the knockout stages if they can hold Costanzia Jon Voights to at least a draw.

[Betelgeuse XII]

FOREST SECOND TEAM TO QUALIFY FOR THE KNOCKOUT STAGES

Joolsdom Forest will join Peace and Democracy Utd in the knockout stages after overcoming Brightonburg United in a tense showdown. Brightonburg's travelling army outnumbered even Forest's traditionally good support, but it wasn't enough to lift their team as they went down by a solitary goal. Forest showed the effects of numerous rumoured late-night drinking sessions by spurning several good chances to put the game beyond doubt, and although Brightonburg created little their determination kept them in the fight. The result makes Forest's final game against the Posulian Puffins largely academic, although sources indicate that they aren't ready to take their foot off the accelerator just yet and that their secondary objective is to finish above arch-rivals Holdawas Hotspurs. A point in their final game would mean they would do just that. Their opponents in the next round is anybody's guess; however at the moment it looks like Postboxes FC will take second place in Group D and thus be pitted against Forest.

RACING CLUB'S SHAKY START CONTINUES AFTER NERVOUS VICTORY

The reigning Premier League champions' hit-and-miss form continued after their finishing let them down against a sub-par Postboxes side. Vroomfondel was finally able to head home from six yards from Loonquawl's cross, the goal coming minutes after Majikthise's thirty-yard effort cannoned off the crossbar. Despite their misfiring attack, Racing Club's defence is tied with six other teams for the most watertight, each having conceded just the one goal so far, and only four teams have so far scored more goals. At any rate, as soon as their strikers find their form, Racing Club are sure to be a force to be reckoned with in this competition.

The continuing battle for second place in Group D is not any clearer though - Postboxes' defeat leaves them in second, and needing at least a point from their final game against Shawdom to have a chance of progressing. They will be hoping that neither Shawdom nor Devons Island will be able to take all three points in their match on Saturday - a draw will suit both Racing Club and Postboxes and move both teams a step closer to the knockout stages.

COSTANZIA PROMISE CHANGES AHEAD OF THEIR CRUNCH MATCH WITH KIKMYARM

Costanzia Jon Voights' spokesman, one Hulk Hogan, gave interviews today in lieu of Costanzia's notorously camera-shy manager, Dr Mephisto. Hogan stated that Mephisto will be wielding the axe, and that they will not be submitting their team sheet until the last minute, prompting fears that they will run afoul of UKFA regulations. After these formalities were out of the way, Hogan closed the conference by saying: "YOU ARE GOIN' DOWN KIK-MY-ARM!! YOUR ARGYLE TEAM DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF PAIN AND SUFFERING. COSTANZIMANIA IS GONNA RUN WILD ON YOU BROTHER!!"

We look forward to a great match.

[Betelgeuse XII]

GROUP B DOGFIGHT ENDS IN STALEMATE

Today's big game was undoubtedly the clash between arch-rivals KikMYarm Argyle and Costanzia Jon Voights in Stade Vandalay, in what was by far the most exciting game of the tounament so far. Six goals in all were recorded as the match ended all square, 3-3. Tactics were in the spotlight, with Costanzia's manager Dr Mephisto constantly shuffling the side's shape from a Christmas Ass formation to a Diamond Ass and back again. In contrast, Argyle were more than happy to stick with their 4-4-2x4÷53 formation. In reality the result helps neither side as they stay bottom and second from bottom respectively; indeed Random Textbox Inputs are currently sitting pretty at the top of Group B.

SOME RANDOM PEOPLE EDGE OUT ARRITHORIA, NEW MANAGER DETERMINED TO PROGRESS

Some Random People's new manager vowed to guide his team to the knockout stages after his side overcame Arrithoria FC 2-1. SRP are not fancied to progress in the competition, as they would have to overcome Green Academicals in their final game in order to do so. A tall order, but at the moment they are tied for second place in Group B. Meanwhile Arrithoria are out of the competition after they failed to get anything from this game.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

In Group A, Peace and Democracy are through and Arrithoria are out. Green Academicals and Some Random People face off on Monday to decide who will join P&D in the next round. A win for the Academicals will see them through, a draw will also see them through by virtue of a superior goal difference. Only a win for Some Random People will see them through, which is why they have been all but written off in this competition.

In Group B, any of the four teams could squeeze through into the next round, although the advantage is definitely with Random Textbox Inputs and Atlantic Red Wolves. Costanzia and RTI play on Monday also - a win for RTI would see them through in first place, whatever happens. A draw would see them progress either in first or second place. Only a win will see Costanzia through now, and even then they will have to rely on Atlantic Red Wolves getting nothing from their game against KikMYarm Argyle. A draw in this game will put both Costanzia and KikMYarm out. The Atlantic Red Wolves will progress with a win against KikMYarm Argyle, in first or second place depending on RTI's result. A draw would complicate things immensely, as we could end up with three teams on four points, and then goal difference would come into play - Costanzia would have to win by two goals to progress in this scenario, else the Red Wolves would go through on goal difference. Who will make it at this point is anyone's guess.

[Betelgeuse XII]

PUFFINS OUT OF THE CUP AS HOTSPURS TARGET QUALIFICATION

The Posulian Puffins bowed out of the UKFA Cup this afternoon, but not before giving Holdawas Hotspurs a scare with a late goal in their match, which finally ended 2-1. The result puts the Hotspurs second in Group C, and needing just a point from their final game from their crunch decider against Brightonburg United. Brightonburg were unfancied going into this competition, but the reality is that they are currently sitting in third place by virtue of an inferior goal difference. Despite this, Prince George von Brightonburg, chairman of the Brighonburg Football Federation, caused confusion amongst the press and fans after he made a speech effectively writing off his team’s chances in this competition, after he vowed that his team ‘will return’. This sort of no-confidence vote is sure to affect his team’s morale as Brightonburg need to win against the Hotspurs in their game on Thursday, else they will be sent home early.

DEVONS ISLAND TARGET CHAMPIONS AFTER OVERCOMING SHAWDOM

Devons Island Bristol Rovers fired a shot across Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII’s bow in beating Shawdom International, and declared : ‘We’re coming for you’. Devons Island sent Shawdom to the bottom of Group D by beating them 2-1 this afternoon, and dropped into second place just above Postboxes due to having scored more goals. At this point, any one of the four teams in the Group could qualify, but advantage is with Racing Club as they sit at the top of the Group. They will meet Devons Island in their final group game on Tuesday, the Rovers targeting victory and advancement after edging out Shawdom International. Defeat will be unthinkable for Racing Club however as they were favourites to go all the way at the start of this competition, and Racing Club’s manager, a famously reclusive Krikkiter, has enforced a media blackout ahead of the game so that his team can concentrate on the business ahead. Racing are yet to hit their stride in this competition, but Devons Island will surely be banking on Racing not clicking again on Tuesday.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

In Group A, Joolsdom Forest are already through to the next round, and the Posulian Puffins made qualification mathematically impossible by losing earlier today. The two teams left with points left to play for are Holdawas Hotspurs and Brightonburg United, and both teams face off on Thursday to decide who will progress. Brightonburg need to win, else Holdawas will go through.

In Group B, any one of the four teams could squeeze through. Firstly, a draw for Racing Club will put them through regardless of other results. Devons Island will progress if they win, but a draw will only be enough if Postboxes fail to beat Shawdom International, but if Postboxes equal Devons Island’s total goals scored then they will go through instead on goal difference plus the result of the head-to-head game (which Postboxes won 3-2). Postboxes will also progress with a win, but a draw will only be enough if Devons Island either beat or lose against Racing Club – a draw in that game will put Postboxes out if Postboxes fail to win, except in a situation where Postboxes draw but score enough goals to equal Devons Island's goal tally. Shawdom have the trickiest route of all – only a win will get them through, and only if Racing Club win in their match. If Racing Club and Devons Island were to draw, Shawdom would progress only if they win and they win by two goals or more, depending on how many goals Devons Island score. Basically put, have your calculators at the ready as we go into the final round of fixtures in the Group stages.

[Betelgeuse XII]

SOME RANDOM PEOPLE SHOCK ACADEMICALS

Green Academicals, amongst the favourites to progress in the UKFA Cup at the start of the competition, made a shock exit this afternoon after they succumbed to persistent pressure from Some Random People to lose 2-1 in injury time. The Academicals looked content to play out a draw with Some Random People, which would have put them through due to SRP’s inferior goal difference, mainly due to their 4-0 bashing at the hands of Peace and Democracy. SRP’s new manager urged them to fight on however, and the pressure paid off in stoppage time as his team scored from a long ball from their goalkeeper. Incredibly, the result means that Some Random People have now qualified from Group A ahead of the Academicals, who finished as runners up in last season’s UKFA Premier League. They will play the winner of Group B in the next round.

RANDOM TEXTBOX INPUTS OUT AFTER CONCEDING ONE GOAL TOO MANY

Random Textbox Inputs only have themselves to blame after they made qualification impossible by losing to Costanzia Jon Voights. The game ended 3-1 to Costanzia, but had RTI not conceded the third goal, which came from a foolish attempted backpass to the goalkeeper, RTI would still be in the competition and would have progressed in the event of a 1-1 or 2-2 draw between the Atlantic Red Wolves and KikMYarm Argyle. As it stands, RTI’s goal difference is now inferior to the Red Wolves’ by a single goal, which puts them out.

The result, and the extra goal, also means that Costanzia are now through to the next round whatever happens in the game between Atlantic Red Wolves and KikMYarm Argyle, because Costanzia now have a precious +1 goal difference. This means that they will finish top of the Group if ARW and KikMYarm draw, or that they will finish second to whoever wins that game.

We expect comments from all parties involved regarding today’s events after they have prepared statements for the press.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

In Group A, the Group is already decided after Some Random People shocked Green Academicals – Peace and Democracy United will finish first, Some Random People second, regardless of the result of Wednesday’s game between P&D and Arrithoria.

In Group B, Costanzia Jon Voights secured a place in the Quarter Finals after they posted a 3-1 victory over Random Textbox Inputs, and gained a winning goal difference in the process. The question of who will join them will be answered on Wednesday also when the Atlantic Red Wolves meet KikMYarm Argyle. Basically put, a win for the Atlanticos will see them through; also a draw will put the Red Wolves through on goal difference. Only a win for KikMYarm Argyle will be enough to see them through.

[Betelgeuse XII]

BREAKING NEWS

RIOTS IN COSTANZIA AFTER FANS ENJOY FIRST TOURNAMENT VICTORY



AP - After a somewhat disappointing showing in the inaugural UKFA Premier League, in which the Jon Voights narrowly avoided relegation, the team really came together and put on a great showing in their final Group game of the UKFA Cup. After a disappointing loss to Cup newcomers Atlantico, CJV played out an exciting tie against rivals KikMyArm Argyle, before beating Random Textbox Inputs 3-1. Now JCV are looking to take these successes forward into the knockout stage, after their victory yesterday booked their place in the quarter finals.

When reached for comment, team manager Dr. Mephesto had this to say: "We really worked hard out there. Our boys really worked their single-assed asses off. And while all the clones look the same, Jon Voight Clone #3 really stood out for his excellent work around their 18 yard box. And Jon Voight Clone #11 was just inspirational in the goal. We are already studying videos of our potential opponents now, and are looking forward to enciting more riots back home."

UKFA Officials are said to be ‘unimpressed’ by his comments.

PRESSURE IS ON SHAWDOM MANAGER AS FANS BAY FOR BLOOD

UKFAPA – Fans of Shawdom International, currently rooted to the foot of Group D and needing a win to have any chance of progressing in the competition, yesterday protested outside the team training ground in a chorus of disapproval. The demonstrations have led to Clayton Buller, Shawdom’s manager, calling for fans to support him and his team ahead of their key game against Postboxes FC on Thursday. Buller also lashed out against the press, blaming them for starting a hate campaign and even referring to them as ‘b******s’, to which the press responded by branding him a ‘paranoid lunatic’. As the pressure mounts, a loss in Shawdom’s final group game will surely will bring an end to Buller’s erratic tenure as manager.

[Betelgeuse XII]

BADGERS PARTY INTO THE NIGHT AS FOREST RUN RIOT

The celebrations in are sure to continue well into the morning as Joolsdom Forest gave a footballing masterclass earlier this evening. Some sublime finishing put the Badgers 3-0 up at half time, after some admittedly shoddy defending from the Puffins saw them leak a goal and give away a free kick for a second. The second half was all about Forest however, as some expansive passing moves gave the game an exhibition feel. Their fans were in boisterous mood also, though fortunately it was mostly ‘nice drunks’ who turned up to enjoy a fine display of football this afternoon, instead of the belligerent ones who clashed with Hotspurs fans before their match at the start of the tournament. On a more serious note, UKFA Officials earlier bemoaned the example that the Joolsdom players were setting for their fans, although it appears that they cut short the drinking parties last night for a good night’s rest. It is understood that host nations are becoming irritated by the hordes of travelling Forest fans, and their incessant chants of ‘Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger football! Football!’, prompting the UKFA to request the Joosdom FA keep their fans in check. Despite these off-the-pitch concerns however, Joolsdom will win their Group after winning all three games, and must by now be among the favourites to win the competition outright.

RACING CLUB BACK TO TOP FORM AFTER TAMING THE ROVERS

Fans of Devons Island Bristol Rovers could only ponder what might have been after their side were outclassed by a Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII team that is starting to hit its stride at just the right time. A tense first half saw the teams finish all square at 1-1, with chances for both teams a scare commodity. The second half was a different affair however, with Racing Club’s star attacking midfielder Vroomfondel stealing the show after netting a 30 yard scorcher and setting up another for Zarniwoop to head home. After that, the result was never in doubt, with Racing’s trademark passing game delighting their fans and the opposing team’s fans in equal measure. Despite the result, and the fact that Devons Island now cannot progress from the Group, both sets of fans helped contribute to what was a cracking atmosphere for a very even-tempered game.

The result is a warning to other teams in the competition, who will have been hoping that Racing’s poor form would continue. The result means that Racing Club have now won their Group without really leaving fourth gear, and will face the winner of Thursday’s game between Brightonburg United and Holdawas Hotspurs.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

As previously discussed, Brightonburg United need a win against Holdawas Hotspurs in Group C in order to join Joolsdom Forest in the next round. Similarly Shawdom need to beat Postboxes FC on Thursday in order to join Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII in the quarter finals, else Postboxes will progress.

[Betelgeuse XII]

UKFA UNVEILS NEW PRESS OFFICE

The United Kingdom Football Association this evening unveiled a new Press Office department, the new home of the UKFA Press Agency. It is hoped that the new office will help improve relations with partner regions and foreign bureaux. As a result of the opening, there exist several vacancies for Press Officers to certain regions, whose role would be to liaise with the inhabitants of the region and encourage wider participation in the UKFA in that region.

The UKFAPA’s first release was an announcement that they have secured a deal with ANTV, Hyrule’s premier television company, to broadcast a thirty minute news programme that will report up to the minute news from the UKFA and the UKFA Cup in a prime-time slot. The programme got off to an inauspicious start however as there was some confusion regarding the studio’s recording timetable.


The UKFA’s first broadcast gets off to a shaky start

JOOLSDOM FOREST PLAYERS IN SUSPECTED DOPING SHOCKER
Euphoria turns to dispair as Forest's star strikers are arrested in drugs allegations

Tonight should have been a major celebration for the Badgers following their 5-0 victory over the Puffins, but the party came to an abrupt end after police and UKFA Officials raided the post-game celebrations.

Franz Dachs, who scored a hat-trick tonight and José Tejón, who scored the other two goals, were taken away for questioning, along with team medic Bill Brock amid allegations that tonight's victory was due in part to the performance enhancing drug EPO.
The rest of the team were also instructed to report to UKFA HQ in the morning to undergo blood tests. The next 48 hours will be crucial as we await the results of these tests.

Should the allegations prove to be true, then this is surely the end of the road for the Badgers – disqualification from the tournament could result, and possibly a heavy fine. Forest's manager Alex Meles was unavailable for comment – missing, presumed drunk.


An artist’s impression of what a badger drug taking orgy might look like

BRIGHTONBURG HAVE SEX ON THE BRAIN AHEAD OF HOTSPURS CLASH

They say in Brightonburg, the weirdoes only come out at night, and this seems to be what happened this evening after Brightonburg coach Sir Georg White-Miller declared a sex and alcohol embargo ahead of his side’s clash against Holdawas Hotspurs. White-Miller needed a clear head to fend off suggestions of incompetence in the Brightonburg FA, and yesterday came out in support of his beleaguered Chairman who erroneously appeared to believe his team had been knocked out. Brightonburg need a win in their game on Thursday, and their fans are already beginning to turn out in force, in what promises to be an interesting game.


Ted wraps up this evening’s proceedings

[Betelgeuse XII]

ARGYLE OVERCOME LACKLUSTRE ATLANTICOS TO STORM GROUP B

KikMYarm Argyle booked a quarter final tie with Some Random People United by beating an out-of-sorts Atlantic Red Wolves side 3-1. The result means that Argyle win Group B and Costanzia Jon Voights finish second, and facing a tricky tie against widely-fancied Peace and Democracy United. Unlucky Atlantic finish last in an extremely tight group, with only two points separating top from bottom.

ARRITHORIA SALVAGE SOME PRIDE AGAINST HALF-STRENGTH P&D

Arrithoria FC will leave the UKFA Cup with some pride intact after prising a point from Peace and Democracy United in their game this afternoon. P&D rang the changes after they had already qualified for the next round, but even with what was effectively a 2nd XI side P&D controlled the game for large spells. Costanzia will have a tough time against P&D as their key players will have had an extra 3 days’ rest.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Peace and Democracy United face Costanzia Jon Voights on Saturday in the first quarter final, and KikMYarm Argyle play Some Random People United in the third quarter final in a week’s time. The games will be hosted by Betelgeuse XII and Joolsdom respectively. The winner from each game will go into semi finals one and two respectively.

[Betelgeuse XII]

BRIGHTONBURG QUALIFICATION OVERSHADOWED BY KIDNAPPING

Holdawas Hotspurs responded to fierce criticism of their poor performance against an inferior Brightonburg side by revealing that their manager has been kidnapped. ‘Touché’ responded the assembled press. His failure to return to the team hotel last night was attributed to indiscretions probably involving GMPV and some ladies of the night, and he was fully expected to return before his side’s crucial game against Brightonburg United this afternoon. He didn’t return however, and has not been seen for 24 hours. In addition, rumours are circulating that a ransom has been demanded. Suspicion is inevitably settling on the Brightonburg camp, although pundits are suggesting the saga might have a badger-shaped element. A ransom note is yet to be received.

Meanwhile the win means Brightonburg qualify for the second round, some would say by default. They will face reigning UKFA Premier League champions Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII in the quarter finals.

SHAWDOM QUALIFY AFTER POSTBOXES ARE FOUND WANTING

Shawdom International leapfrogged Postboxes FC and Devons Island Bristol Rovers into second place and qualification after beating Postboxes 2-1 this afternoon. The result means a stay of execution for embattled Shawdom manager Clayton Buller, but his side faces a tough ask to progress into the semi finals as they will have to beat an on form Joolsdom Forest, who won their last game 5-0 against the Posulian Puffins. It remains to be seen if qualification will be enough to placate enraged Shawdom fans whose team had yet to win until this afternoon.

SO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

The Group stages are now complete: Shawdom International will play Joolsdom Forest on Monday, and Racing Club de Betelgeuse XII will play Brightonburg United in the fourth quarter final. A loss for teams at this stage will put them out of the competition.